Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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