I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
