I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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