apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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