the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
