My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
