Got a toothbrush?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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