all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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