You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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