plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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