We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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