so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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