We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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