Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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