We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
