1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
