Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
