remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
