I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
