the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
