I accidentally burped into my bong.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
