Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
