i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
