I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
