how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
