its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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