I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
not ubering you a puppy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
