I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
