Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
