batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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