She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
