you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i need some magic done to my vagina
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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