Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
