The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
