Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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