i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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