What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
