Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I lost the right to judge tonight
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
