At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
