I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
