UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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