Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
