Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
