You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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