I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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