I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
