fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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