I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
