Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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