I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's like God shit irony all over that family
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
