He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
it glows. i had to have it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
